Are We There Yet?

"The point of life is not increasing its speed" -Mahatma Ghandi

For many years, I wrote a dating blog about what it was like to date in LA as a relationship therapist. It was the only thing amongst my "life checklist," that I had not yet been able to check off. Therefore, I targeted in on it like a special ops sniper.

I analyzed every what-could-have-been, what-should-have-been, and why-it-can't-have-been in hopes that I would one day check off that final box, reach the top of life everest, and have the formula for ultimate personal contentment.

Yet, the answer lay in taking a step back, not focusing so much energy on my dating life, and just enjoying my life as it was. Of course- you know how the story ends...I stumble over my prince charming in a quirky made for movies meet-cute, and all my dreams come true. Well that's not exactly what happened, but you get the idea.

On July 13th of this year, I got married to my own Mr. right-for-me and finally felt that since of "ahhhhh," I'd been wanting to feel for years. I felt that peace you get when you know your best friend will always be by your side, that joy you get when you know no matter what comes your way- "we'll get through it," and a feeling of family and success that no PhD can come close to. That was July 13th.

On July 14th, I woke up with the question, "now what?" As the families hugged us one last time and hopped in taxis to the airport, I realized the wedding was over and now the marriage was beginning. For a couple months, however- that excitement simmered as we anticipated our italian honeymoon. I was able to mentally chew on post-wedding magic leftovers until the plane landed back in the US from our 2 week mozzarella and prosciutto bender.

I was faced, once again, with the question "now what?" I had checked off all the boxes. Graduate college-check, get into grad school- check, get my masters-check, get my doctorate-check, finish my post-doc- check, find a boyfriend- check, get my license-check, get a dog and see if we can keep it alive-check, get engaged-check, get married-check. Here we are.

In the months after marriage, I found myself reeling forward in a state of momentum. Yet I was matched with no new carrot to chase after. Like a marathoner that has no where else to go, I hit a wall. My forward momentum that had driven me to check off all of life's boxes, was still very alive within me- yet I wasn't quite sure what to do with it.

I started to notice that I would start to just create more noise for myself. Instead of just having down time, I would sign up for a real estate licensing program. Instead of just taking small breaks throughout the day, I would drum up more ways to work, more ways to divert the energy that resided inside of my head outward, onward. As if I just spun my wheels enough, I would once again reach a momentary feeling of peace.

Then one day, I just stopped. While in meditation, I asked myself "what do I want next?" A moment of clarity surfaced. If I was to continue looking over the horizon at what was next, I would continue missing what was right in front of me.

I think we all are guilty of this at times. The same energy that pushes us forward as humans to excel and achieve, causes us to lay awake at night making sure we are still on the right track. The brain that helped us to survive, reproduce, and evolve over thousands of years- wasn't wired to make us happy or content. It was wired to help us stay out of the sight of tigers.

Today, those tigers still exist in our minds. It is a modern conundrum we have to consciously turn our minds off when they still think they're trying to protect us. Maybe one day, humans will have developed a neurological structure that serves as a "dimmer" switch when we need it. Until then, we will continue to build homes, buy more things, have more children, eat more food, consume, consume, consume- until we realize that there is nothing in this world that will ever quite fill us up.

I think the answer must lie in being able to become comfortable with the uncomfortable. To become friends with that gnawing little voice inside all of us that asks "are we there yet?" To accept it as a friend (most of the time) that simply wants to keep us evolving, and like any good friend, know when to tell it to shove off, and just enjoy the life that is waiting for us in the here and now.

Dr. Colleen Long (PSY23911) is a licensed psychologist and the author of “Happiness in B.A.L.A.N.C.E,” and “Meditation Medication.”  Dr. Colleen maintains a private practice in Hermosa Beach and works mainly from a positive psychology framework as it applies to addiction, depression, relationships,  body image and weight loss. For a free consultation please contact her at 1-800-593-2560 or visit http://www.drcolleenlong.com