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Health & Fitness

Why "You Complete Me" is so Bogus

One of the most common complaints I get from clients and friends alike, when it comes to relationships is "why do I always attract the wrong people?" When they go through their string of past problem relationships, it can easily be misinterpreted that they are just one of the few unlucky ones that tend to attract all the wrong people. However, taking a closer look- if we are really honest with ourselves, there is only one common denominator in these relationships and that is - us.

This is a hard truth to swallow. Many people don't want to admit that something they are doing, or not doing could be at the heart of all the past failed relationships. However, if we are able to develop insight into our contribution to past failed relationships and take ownership- this is the first step towards healing, renewal, and growth.

From the time of birth, we are biologically hardwired to look to others for our internal peace and happiness. When we are babies, we heavily rely on our mother for nourishment. As we grow into toddlers- we still look towards our parents for help with walking, talking, and generally navigating our new and complex environment. As children and teens- we tend to still look outward towards our peers to provide a since of internal validation, a sense that we are ok, a sense that we belong.

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So it makes sense, then that we continue this behavior of looking outward towards our relationship partners for our own internal happiness. It also makes sense that when we are unhappy and unfulfilled- the first thing we think is "if only I were in a relationship..."

This is where the problem begins. When we seek a relationship out of need, we are already starting on the wrong foot. We must first seek to fulfill ourselves before reaching outward to find a partner. The viewpoint has to shift from "I need someone to complete me," to "I am so happy and full with my own life, I am ready to share this joy with another person." In other words- you must be whole, to be someone else's other half.

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What if you are already in a relationship that is quickly going south? It may be time to step back and ask yourself, "am I more focused on what I'm getting from this relationship or what I'm giving to this relationship?" A frequent analogy I use with my couple's therapy clients is the concept of debits and credits. So often, we are withdrawing from our relationship bank account, without ever depositing. Assuming that our partners should just be able to unconditionally give, without us giving anything in return...or perhaps we've reached emotional gridlock, where we've frozen our accounts until we feel our partner has started equally contributing. This can also quickly be a recipe for disaster.

The book "The Secret" was popular for a reason. It hits on a fundamental spiritual law that when we seek to give vs get from the universe, our whole life begins to change. The universe gets a message that we finally "get it," and shifts into alignment with us again.

So when you are struggling with your partner, sit for a moment and think of ways in which you might selflessly give today. If you don't have a partner, begin transforming your daily consciousness to a place of "how can I help others," vs "what do I need to get today to make me happy."

Dr. Colleen Long is a licensed clinical psychologist that works with individuals and couples in the south bay area. She sees clients who live in Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, Torrance, and El Segundo. Her psych assistants also see couples, children, teens, and individuals in the West Los Angeles location- serving those people in Beverly Hills, Culver City, Marina Del Rey, and Westwood. To schedule an appointment, please call 1-800-593-2560


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