Author Creates Roadmap for Caring for Elderly Parents

Editor's Note: We recently ran a three-part series, "When Mom Gets Old," that offers insights, tips and resources for adults who are taking care of their aging parents. We thought we'd add another voice to the caregiving arena. 

Author Cindy Laverty will appear in downtown Manhattan Beach at Bookstore on Thursday from 7-9 p.m. to discuss and sign copies of her new book, Caregiving: Eldercare Made Clear & Simple. Patch chatted with the author, radio personality and founder of The Care Company to get her perspective.

Manhattan Beach Patch: How did caring for the elderly become your life and passion?

Cindy Laverty: Before I became a caregiver, I was working in marketing and advertising in the fitness industry. The story goes that I was very dear friends to my ex-husband's father. He was a wonderful grandfather to my daughter, so we maintained a relationship even after my divorce. We used to have dinner with him on Sunday nights for years. When my daughter was going off to college, my husband and I continued to have dinner with him.

One night during dinner, he held my hand and said, "I have a favor to ask. Will you pay my bills and check on my wife when I have open heart surgery?" He was 83 at the time. I asked him ,"Why are you doing that?" He called my daughter "Butterfly." He said, "Because I want to see the Butterfly graduate from college."

There I was, glass of wine in hand, tears streaming down my face, and I said, "Yes," not knowing my life was going to change forever.

We went through all the legal documents to make sure there were no problems with the plan. He went into surgery, had tons of complications, had a stroke, and his wife was really bad off, and as it went on I couldn't manage everything. So I quit my career and took care of him for almost six years. 

Patch: How did you get to where you are now?

Laverty: People started coming to me who were in the middle of the same thing and saying, "I don't know what to do, can you help me?"I realized I needed to start a company. I try to teach people to learn to do what I did, and not to lose themselves in the process. So much of this is about the self-care component. Successful caregivers are empowered caregivers. I want to help people find that role.

Patch: The options for good senior care can be pretty bleak. When someone finds himself in the role of a caregiver, what's the first thing he should do?

Laverty: You begin at the beginning. I believe caregiving is managing a business, for some families it is a small business and for some a big business. It depends on the socioeconomic situation that is going on, the number of siblings, and who can help you. You have to put systems, procedures, operating agreements and everything in place. Start with an intellectual approach to this instead of being in the emotional "crazy" phase. It can make you crazy.

Patch: Emotions such as guilt?

Laverty: There's a lot of emotion attached to it; sometimes there can be guilt attached. I recommend putting together a plan with your parents before they need care. A lot of people don't want to have the conversation. Have the conversation like you would anything. Say, "One day, you're going to need some help. I want to talk to you about what it is you want." You really need to know financial assets you have in case you need to hire outside help. 

Patch: Why do you think no one wants to talk about this subject that is affecting so many Americans?

Laverty: This is the pink and purple polka dotted elephant in the room no one wants to talk about. I don't always fluff this up. We are a society that is very good at planning. We plan where our child is going to go to preschool before it is even born. But we don't plan for this stage in anybody's life. So it's really about getting your head around putting a plan in order, including legal documents, so when something happens— and it is going to happen to everybody—then you know where to go and where to begin. 

Patch: Are there things you should be looking for when it comes to an elderly parent that indicates that it is time to initiate the plan?

Laverty: The need for care leaves signs everywhere. If you walk into your parents' house and things seem a little unkept, and they've always been perfect and orderly, that's a sign. Look at the kind of food they're eating, or are they eating. Check the car, see if there's scratches on the car or tires. Check the mailbox. Look at somebody's clothes, are they clean, are they not clean.

Changes are not necessarily signs of aging. They're signs that maybe things are too hard. 

Patch: When you see that there's a problem, what do you do?

Laverty:  They'll try to fluff it off, but don't ignore those things. If you have a parent who is failing, you need to get in there and take action pretty fast. The first thing you should do is to make the house safe. You need to elder proof the home.

Patch: What should someone do if a parent lives across the country? How do you know if everything is OK?

Laverty: Get on a plane, take a trip, and see your parents. A good place to start is usually with a neighbor. Always have that phone number anyway in case of emergency. Ask a neighbor if everything seems OK. You can even for a small amount of money offer to pay a neighbor to check on your parent once in a while. 

If a loved one is a member of a religious community, you can find resources in that community. There are volunteer organizations and geriatric care managers all over the U.S. If you are worried something is wrong, there is Adult Protective Services who will go out and check. But start in a gentle easy way. 

Patch: Do you recommend moving a parent into your home?

Laverty: If you're going to do it, you have to have a big buy-in from the family, and there have to be ground rules set so your whole world does not go upside down. My mother lives with my husband and me. We have made it work for 13 years. But, it depends on the parent and the layout of your home. There is a reality happening in our country today because we are not able to afford to house our loved ones in assisted living or skilled nursing facilities anymore. For most people there are financial issues. There is a bit of a shift that is happening to back to the days of multi-generational living. There has to be a shift in thinking. I'm not sure we have made that shift yet.

Patch: How is someone supposed to manage a personal life, work, family and caring for a loved one?

Laverty: The first thing you have to do is get a handle on what financial assets are available. There is no way that you can physically manage your life, take care of yourself, run your career and be a mom. This is going to require you to sit down with your parents and say, "What assets are available?" 

As a family, you have to sit down and designate who does what and when it's done. I hear from people all the time, "I'm the only one doing this. My siblings don't do anything." This is a family issue, not an individual sibling issue. There is nothing that says somebody has to be a caregiver, but from a morality stand point, I think you have to help the process, whether that means you bring food in or offer financial respite for your sibling who is doing this.

Patch: How important is self care when you are going through this?

Laverty: Just because you are a caregiver, doesn't mean you have to do everything asked of you. You can end up with parents who are rather self-absorbed. 

I tell people to start by making a list of the things they can do, the things they can't do, the things they're terrified to do, and then making a list of the organizations that can support them. Then, start cross-referencing the lists to begin a plan.

You can't just jump in and say, "OK, I'm giving over my whole life to you." That's what I did. I didn't know how to take care of myself. I almost lost my marriage and myself in the process. I don't recommend it.

Patch: What specifically is your book about?

Laverty: The book is a little bit my personal story, and it's a lot of information, like a roadmap for baby boomers to navigate the senior care journey. I do not mean to imply it is a simple process, but I wrote this in a simple way. When you're in this position, the last thing you have time for is reading a behemoth book.

The first part is about what you need to look for, be aware of, and getting your system in place. The second is all about self care. The third section is forms I created so you don't have to create your own caregiving information. Forms for insurance information, asset lists, and checklists for elder proofing a home. There's a CD-ROM in the book that you pop into your computer to download whatever forms you need. There is an overwhelming amount of paperwork to do when you're a caregiver.

Patch: What does The Care Company do? Are you able to help people only in Los Angeles?

Laverty: Right now, I have a partner who is a registered nurse. Her name is Kelly Rosenberry. We help with individual families to put these things into place. If someone wants to have us come into their home and put systems into place, we can do that. If someone wants an evaluation, we can do that.

We are in the process right now of sort of pulling away from this. We're creating this huge website, which will hopefully be the hub for caregivers to go to for a community to talk to with guided conversations. That is going to launch in January. It will reach nationwide instead of just in Los Angeles.

If you'd like to get in touch with Cindy Laverty, you can see her at Pages on Thursday or find her on The Care Company website. Her book, Caregiving-Eldercare Made Clear & Simple, is available at Pages and on Amazon.